Friday, June 12, 2009
Time to clear some stuff into here before I go nuts.
I hate elections.
Was actually excited about it as I get to dance for the battles.
Ended up being wack,
And ended up having overload of thoughts in my puny mind.
Tsk,
Guess at the end I hated it.
President.
I never fucking wanted to be one.
I tried to convince myself to the job.
Yeah,
I did try.
I should say I did put in my best in trying.
After all,
What was I when I took up the job?
What was I when I was running?
Let's see.
Chinese Orchestra sectional leader.
Wow.
Lost soul without clear vision nor goal.
Cool.
Some jiao dancer who knew nuts about what he was doing.
Awesome.
Yeah,
Its as bad as it sounds.
In fact,
I didnt want to run.
Rewinding.
It was fac com interview.
Dance i/c.
Jiayi asked,
"Are you running for MAD exco?
If so, how are you going to manage your time and priorities?"
"I don't think I'm going to run,
Cos I'm sick of politics."
Not that Chinese Orchestra has loads of politics.
Just seeing how seniors in CO operate,
Observing stuff about politics,
I could tell that I'm an avid hater of it.
Having to absorb,
Deal with,
Talk about,
Such political bullshit.
I never wanted to.
And so fac com results came out.
I wasn't selected.
Then Thomas told me,
"Why don't you run for MAD exco?
I believe you can make changes in MAD."
I questioned that.
I spent thought into it.
I couldn't come up with any shit.
Changes?
Tsk,
I can't come up with shit when I have to just for the sake of it.
But maybe I thought,
I could do something for this club?
I felt and sensed that the seniors was hoping for me to go run.
It became something like a responsibility?
But still,
I didn't want to.
BUT SOMEHOW.
I think I convinced myself that I want to for a period of time.
Pre-elections,
During elections,
And post-elections.
Cos I remember feeling excited and happy after knowing the results,
That i was elected.
And I remembered feeling anxious when I screwed up the freaking interview.
And I remembered me saying,
"Let me put this straight across.
I’m Hui Hua from the hip hop and bboy division.
And I want to be your president."
In my speech.
That was a lie.
So by running,
Its like forcing myself to stuff that I didn't want to get involved in.
Mainly politics.
Hypocritical?
Running when you said that you didn't want to run?
Yeah sure,
I don't really give a fucking damn about that.
I knew I had to face it.
So I tried to make it minimal.
I did try to compress political issues to the minimum.
Maybe I didn't do enough.
Or maybe I'm the only one feeling it.
And so I got assigned the duty.
Truth to be told.
The seniors were making a huge gamble.
Selecting someone who went inside a interview.
Answering most of the questions with,
"I don't know",
Laughs,
Shrugs.
If I were the seniors,
I would prolly not chosen myself.
I still am wondering why I was chosen.
Sharon told me cos I have potential.
Terrance mentioned I was charismatic.
Yeah I'm sure I had charisma. - -|
Maybe cos I was one of the prominent figures,
That I started,
Or tried to start,
Dancing in secondary school.
But I have no idea why they decided to place their bet on me.
Then the question was.
Did they win?
To me,
I've failed them.
Lacking in experience,
I did not know much to do actually.
I did much of e stuff following what the seniors did,
Or from what I knew from previous experiences,
Which were of not much use.
I was pretty incapable.
One major mistake would be orientation I guess.
I didn't know it had so much significance to the J1s until today.
I didn't see it to be of much importance.
My bad.
Another thing was the "changes" that I was supposedly capable of bringing.
I thought about it.
Things that surfaced were reputation.
Bonding.
I kinda realise now that those were just some,
BULLSHIT
That appeared cos I was desperately trying to find something that I could make a difference in.
Not that I did make much difference,
But I did clear my thoughts regarding reputation.
As for bonding,
I did do whatever I could.
But it was prolly not enough.
After all,
What I could do wasn't much.
Then after some time into my term,
I've began realising stuff.
Then I found something that I wanted to do.
Something that I hope to achieve in my term.
And then after some time and effort,
I realised that it was impossible.
For the nature of MAD being a JC CCA,
With 3 distinctly different divisions.
And yeah,
I didn't share this explicitly with my exco.
I didn't declare it as a newly founded vision.
Shrugs,
I don't know why I didn't do that.
Maybe I've just became too self-centered,
Working, and depending on myself too much.
Seeing things too much form my perspective,
Thinking that its the best for myself,
And sticking to it.
And that's when opinions clash.
I've now come to believe that I ain't the great-o-leader type.
I've now come to actually support the idea that the CO seniors didn't put my application for HCICO chairperson through.
My belief aint the kind that typical presidents will probably adopt.
The soft approach,
Or maybe its called the don't bother approach.
I did try the hard approach.
But scolding and yelling wasn't my cup of tea.
Not only that I felt awkward doing so.
I didn't like doing so.
And that I felt I couldn't do it with much efficiency.
Even now,
Getting everyone's attention is a problem.
And I think I've becoming sick of that.
I say what I have to say.
I brief what I have to brief.
You listen,
Good for you.
You didn't listen,
Too bad, not my fault.
And some times,
I don't even bother with stuff,
Cos it appears to be that it aint worth bothering.
I can honestly say,
That won't make the cut for a president.
Maybe because I lack respect from the people.
Something that I was determined to earn.
Respect.
I did try honestly.
But after a while I gave up of some sort.
Cos the stereotype,
Or the way people view me have already been fixed more or less.
Retarded.
Something that I detest being associated with.
And it doesn't go along with respect much well.
So people just assume that stereotype,
And stick with it as much as possible.
At almost everything,
They'll try to link it to something that I've done before,
Prolly something "retarded",
And just proclaim retard.
Woo.
Respect?
Yeah,
Totally.
End of the day,
I did try to be a responsible president.
And a good one.
But I guess my abilities just didn't match the job.
But in all,
I think I've done whatever I could,
In this position that I didn't desire.
And in this position that I didn't want to be remembered for.
Retarded.
President.
The two things that kept appearing on my dance nite notes.
And the exact two things that I don't want to be remembered for.
I joined MAD as a dancer.
And I'm glad that I didn't compromise my dance,
Because I had presidential duties to fufil.
Although I do admit that I ain't pleased with my current standards.
Being in two divisions is a tough feat.
It ends you up neither here nor there.
And you just don't want to give up either.
And so,
I will leave MAD as a dancer.
I may be the president in name.
But that ain't the important thing.
I've been thinking,
Maybe it wouldn't have been better for those who wanted this position to get it rather than me yeah?
Felt like I've robbed them off something that they want.
And it wasn't really something that I truly desired as well.
Maybe.
